Finding Paradise
by TelepathicTimelord180
Summary: Maria Lewis and Eliza Schuyler's lives have both taken a turn for the worse. Their last slimmers of hope come as a surprise- and in a surprising form. Oneshot, modern AU, Mariza, see warnings in Notes section. NOW EDITED MORE.


**Notes: My first Mariza fic! It was originally a songfic but that became irrelevant as the story went on, so I just deleted the lyrics. Page break lines represent changes in which character is being focused on. It's rated T but WARNINGS FOR: very tiny amounts of swearing and derogatory terms, very tiny amounts of implied sexual and physical abuse, less tiny amounts of depression and suicide. It has a happy ending though, I promise. I don't own** ** _Hamilton_** **. Comments and Favorites appreciated. Enjoy!**

Maria Lewis' life was good. Her family was rich and loving and kind, and her only worries in life were trivial things. She went to a good school, had good grades, and though she had no close friends, she was happier when she was on her own most of the time anyway. She had big dreams and was ready to fight to achieve them.

One day, she looked around and saw what her life had become. Her parents were dead, her siblings had deserted her. Her grades were dropping and she felt lonelier than ever. She lived alone in her college dorm room after her roommate left mid-year. No one was there for her. Her dreams became faint, impossible fantasies that would never become reality.

Maria Lewis was 18 years old when she became depressed.

The most major symptom she experienced was fatigue. Most days, she would stay in bed all day, taking online courses when she could and skipping classes when she couldn't. Often, she would just sleep.

Maybe the more she slept, the less she had to be alive. The less she had to remember what she could have become if everything hadn't broken her up.

When Maria slept, she also dreamt. But these were different kinds of dreams than the ones she used to chase. These were empty and pointless. Sometimes they were nonsensical and strange, and other times realistic, showing her a paradise that could exist. When those happened, it wasn't hard for her to remind herself that they weren't real. She could continue her days in peace that she found by making her heart void of feeling and her ideas void of meaning.

Then she found someone who fit her dreams, who gave her what she wanted, who treated her like royalty and gave her life meaning. James Reynolds- charming, handsome, smart, generous, kind- everything she had ever imagined in a partner. He noticed her daily route to the coffee maker, the only time she ever left her room, and began to meet her there. At first, she ignored him, but eventually the got closer and closer, and occasionally she would linger outside her room a little longer to converse with him, and she and soon she was letting him into her life, the only one she'd trusted since her life went downhill. And it wasn't until she was running, trying to escape his room because he'd hurt her and was touching her and wouldn't stop when she said no, that she realized what a mistake she'd made by allowing him to see so far into her soul because she needed a refuge and he was there.

What hurt the most were his last words to her that day. She was half-dressed, crying, and defenseless as she dashed into her room, shutting and locking the door before crawling to the farthest away spot from the door that she could find. He was behind her, now locked outside the room pounding on the door yelling "Let me in, bitch! You need me!" At every noise, she cringed and hid her face, and it went on like this all night, until finally he left her. Before he departed, however, she heard one final whisper from him: "If you don't let yourself need me, I can see why no one would want to love you, whore."

That settled in Maria's brain, leaving her not only depressed, lonely, and helpless, but also full of guilt. Maybe what had happened really was her fault. What was wrong with her?

* * *

Eliza Schuyler's life was good. Her family was rich and loving and kind, and her only worries in life were trivial things. She went to a good school, had good grades, and had a large group of close friends, including her boyfriend, Alexander Hamilton. She had big dreams and was on her way to achieving them.

One day, she looked around and saw what her life had become. Alexander had committed suicide a year ago due to being hurt, emotionally and physically, by his peers for being bisexual, orphaned, poor, an immigrant, and other traits that he'd always been insecure about. He'd always been tough, but it just became too much. He hadn't told Eliza, hadn't mentioned that he had ever been anything less than fine, but had left her a letter the day he'd disappeared, explaining what had happened and why. He said he didn't want to hurt her, and didn't want her to think that he didn't care about her. He said he loved her. He said it would be easier if it happened the way it did.

Easier for him, maybe. Easier for Eliza, possibly. But that didn't mean the pain wasn't strong enough to dull her ever-bright personality.

Eliza Schuyler was 18 years old when she became depressed.

The most major symptom she experienced was social isolation. There were plenty of people there to help her, but she wouldn't allow herself to explain to them how she felt.

No use hurting others with her own problems, she rationed.

Sometimes Eliza would wonder "Why me? What did I do to deserve punishment like this?" and sometimes it would almost be too much for her, just like life was too much for Alexander, and sometimes she would wonder whether it was worth it to leave this world and die to be with Alexander again, and sometimes she would almost think it was, and sometimes she would just have to close her eyes and breathe and remember that it wouldn't do any good to die, that something would change and her life would get better, and sometimes she'd believe this and sometimes she would pretend to believe it because it would convince her to stay alive another day.

* * *

Maria closed her eyes and dreamt about who she could have been.

Eliza closed her eyes and reminded herself that she was lucky to be alive.

Neither of them saw hope very often. When they did, they didn't imagine it to come in the form that it did.

* * *

Over the next year, Eliza distanced herself from her friends and family, switching to a new school as an excuse to get away from them. She lived on campus there, arriving mid-semester to join a dorm that had been left by one of its members.

She entered the room for the first time and was surprised to see no one there. The room was also uncommonly bare, with very few decorations and absolutely no photos. A few books were stacked on a shelf, but they were covered with dust, so Eliza guessed they hadn't been read in a while, maybe ever. No one seemed to be in there, though, that she could tell. Tentatively, she called out. "Hello?"

There was no answer, but Eliza caught the faintest sound of a whimper come from the corner of the room, behind one of the beds. "Hello?" She repeated the word, setting her bags down next to the wall and starting to move towards the noise. "It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm the new roommate…? Oh!" She peered over the side of the mattress to see a frightened face, a young woman, probably her age. The woman's eyes were wide and Eliza imagined hers looked the same.

"I'm sorry," they both whispered at once.

"No, no, it's fine," said the woman at the same time as Eliza said "It's okay, I was just sort of surprised!"

Then it was quiet. The women stared at each other for a minute, assessing each other and the situation. The woman was stunning, there was no doubt about that. She wore a loose red tank top and a pair of red jean shorts. However, she wasn't wearing makeup and her hair was a mess. In short, she looked disheveled. But Eliza saw more than that in the woman.

"You're beautiful," she breathed, then realized what she had just said. Heat rose to her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I'm-" She stopped herself and looked at the woman, who had closed her eyes in sort of a cringing way when Eliza began to speak. Now she opened her eyes slowly, almost suspiciously, the respond with a single word:

"What?"

* * *

"I… I said that, well… I said that you're beautiful… sorry if that was, I don't know, rude or something…" Maria's new roommate muttered, her face red with embarrassment. "I'm gonna… go unpack now, I guess." She turned away and headed towards her bags.

"Wait!" Maria called out, a little louder than she meant to. The other woman turned around. _When her pale blue dress twirled like that, she truly did look angelic_ , thought Maria, then pushed the thought out of her mind. She wouldn't let herself fall for anyone else, not after James. She crawled out of the corner and stood just in front of the bed. "I… what's your name?" Maria asked, quieting her tone again.

"Eliza Schuyler." It should have been accompanied by a smile, the way most names are presented to new people, but Eliza's voice was filled with resentment, pain, self-disgust. It worried Maria. Eliza seemed too pure, to kind for that kind of self-hatred to be in her tone. "And you?"

Maria almost didn't answer the question, she was too distracted. "Um… Maria. Maria Lewis. Look, I'm… sorry about everything that happened earlier, with me hiding behind the bed and all. I've had a difficult year. I don't really want to talk about it."

She looked up at Eliza, expecting to be shunned for what happened, but a steely resilience was in Eliza's dark eyes now. "No," Eliza said. "I completely understand. I've had some things happen too. I think I'm ready to start over."

Maria nodded quietly, and turned her head down again. "Eliza," she tried out the new name. It rolled off her tongue. "Because of what happened, I haven't really had a friend- or even talked to anyone, for that matter- in a while. Will you stay?" It wasn't just a question- it was a plea. She needed someone. Maybe James had been right about that. But she didn't need James- she needed someone like Eliza.

Eliza smiled for the first time, a very tiny smile, and looked at Maria. "Of course I will."

* * *

Eliza could feel herself warming up to Maria, maybe liking her a little too much, and that was a problem. She kept telling herself not to love another person, partially because she wasn't sure if she would ever get over Alexander's death enough to date again and partially because she didn't want to hurt someone so seemingly wonderful and kind. She still loved Alexander- it had only been a year since his death- and she hated that she was thinking about a future with someone else rather than just mourning him, but at the same time, she needed someone. Not as a significant other, necessarily, because she wasn't quite ready to move on, but at the very least a friend. Additionally, she was good at reading people, and she could see that Maria had been through some shit and needed someone too. Then there was the issue that Eliza didn't want to cause Maria any more pain than she'd already experienced. _But sometimes you just have to take that chance,_ Eliza thought. She sighed. She didn't really know what she was doing, or whether she was already falling in love with Maria Lewis, or whether Maria would even be who she seemed to. She didn't know anything. But she was willing to give friendship a shot for the first time since Alexander died.

Maria seemed startled as Eliza walked over to her. "Hey, it's okay," said Eliza. "I just wanted to say, well… I like you a lot, and I think we should be friends. I mean…"

"It's alright, I get it. I like you too, Eliza." Maria's face showed a hint of happiness, and the young women stared at each other for a minute, wondering what would happen next.

* * *

Things didn't get better for a while. Maria didn't want to let herself trust Eliza. Eliza didn't want to let herself become close to Maria. But they slowly learned about each other and started remembering what it was like to have a friend. All the while, their affection for the other was growing in their hearts, and both were trying to suppress it.

But eventually, their lives started looking brighter. Maria was leaving the dorm again to go to classes, and was managing to bring her grades back up, although she was getting a lot of questions from teachers. Even though Eliza wanted her to do something about whatever had happened to her before Eliza arrived, she refused to tell the administration anything about the incidents with James. It would be easier to move on at this point without bringing it up ever again. She was feeling more comfortable, more safe, more accepted than ever. Eliza was growing used the the new school, learning her way around her classes and meeting everyone. She was happier here, although she missed her sisters and friends, and wanted to stay here with Maria for as long as possible.

One day, they almost lost everything they'd built up.

Eliza entered the dorm with her books to find no one in sight but hearing audible sobs coming from the corner behind the bed. "Maria? Is that you? Are you okay?" She looked over the side of the bed once more to see Maria, crying and disheveled, sitting on the floor. "Oh, Maria, oh, what happened?" She reached for Maria's hands, but Maria pulled away sharply.

"J-james… he was the one… from before…"

"Shhh, it's okay. It's okay."  
"It's not even… what _happened_ , it's just… I was remembering… when he told me, that, that I couldn't be love, I really believed him, y'know?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I know."

"And I saw him today, and I… I just remembered it all, and it hit me all over again, I'm worthless, I know it, I'll never be loved, I-"

"Stop it. Stop saying that right now." Eliza's voice went hard. "It's not true."

"What?" She didn't seem to have caught the change in Eliza's tone.  
"I said stop it. I know it's not true."

"How do you know it's not true, Eliza?"

"Because I… Maria, I love you, Goddamnit!"

Maria's face melted into a puddle of disbelief and surprise, but also a touch of gladness. "You… love me? Like…"

"More than a Goddamn friend, okay Maria? I've been denying it, because I'm still getting over Alexander, and I know you're probably not interested, and I didn't want to hurt you or our friendship and-"

"Eliza! Listen. I've liked you for a while, actually, but… after what happened with James… I know I've never told you the details, but I don't trust easily anymore. I'm not sure really what's going on, but… I think I love you. Really."

Eliza felt just as surprised as Maria had looked. She hadn't seen this coming at all. "So… do you want to… I don't know how to say this, but… be a couple? Date? How do I ask you out?" Maria laughed. Eliza blushed. She probably looked like and idiot, trying to get things right.

And then suddenly they were kissing.

A soft kiss that Maria had started and Eliza had continued. It was quick and small but when they pulled away, it was like nothing that had happened to Eliza since Alexander's death, it was like water in a parched desert. An oasis. And she loved it.

"I love you," Eliza breathed.

"I don't deserve you," Maria muttered.

"Don't say that," scowled Eliza. Maria smiled a bit, but Eliza crossed her arms. "No, seriously. Don't say that. Whatever happened before- whatever you think you did- it's _over_. No more. It's in the past. You're still the same you to me, whatever happened with you and… _him_."

Maria looked up, staring Eliza in the eye. "And this is why I love you."

At that, they wrapped their arms around each other and lay down on the bed, not kissing, not talking, not crying, just thinking about how lucky they were to have each other.

Maybe none of this was real. Maybe they were lying to themselves. But maybe they had found paradise, and this time, "maybe" was enough.


End file.
